cape hati. >,<

ya Allah........

beri aku kekuatan yang banyak..

**
seriing banget aku mikir pengen balik lagi ka masa-masa itu..

waktu mamah masih setia jadi seorang ibu yang terrbaikkk. -^^-

waktu idai masih sekecil itu,,,

waktu aku masih sering diperhatiin mamah..

waktu it juga teteh udah mulai beranjak sma, & pergi k jogja..

waktu bapa masih kaya gt malasnya , masih susah bangunn..

waktu di setiap harinya, di setiap jamnya, di setiap menitnya, di setiap detiknya, mamah ga henti

bangun sebelum shubuh bwt ngurusin rumah, beres-beres, masak, bantuin bapa kerja, belanja

kebutuhan rumah., nyuruh aku belajar+ngerjain pr., ngurus idai dg kelembutannya, ngengenin

teteh yang udah di jogja sana..

.kalo aja mamah tau , sekarang aku udah di jogja juga,,

tp maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafff, mah,,

annis ga bisa jadi yang terbaik yang mungkin mamah ngarepinnya annis selalu juara 1 kaya dulu waktu masih ada mamah, ngarepin annis kuliah di PTN faforit,,

maaf mah, maaf..

dalam keadaan kaya gini , susaaaaaahh banget bwt numbuhin semangat yang sehebat dulu..

dari dulu emang annis ga deket sm bp, ga sedeket sama mamah,,

tau sendiri kan, bapa orangnya gimana..

kurang peka, kurang perhatian sama anaknya, & terlalu perhitungan..

tapi annis nyadar, mah..

sejak mamah ga ada,, itu susah banget buat bapa *yang dulunya gitu* buat jadi bapa sekaligus mamah..

& ternyata emang ga bertahan lama.. sampe c idadi juga malah dibawa ke banjar, & diurus wa dede.

ga nyampe 1 tahun., ummi jadi bagian dari keluarga kita..

tadinya emang annis ga setuju.. apalagi teteh..

tapi bapa ga mempertimbangkan ke'tidaksetujuan' kita..

bapa tetep jadiin ummi sbg ibu baru di rumah..

tadinya, jujur annis ga suka..*sikapnya.

jujur selama itu rasanya sakiiit banget. susah banget bwt aku betah di rumah.

tapi lama-lama ummi jadi semakin baik.. & aku ngerti, itu juga susah bwt ummi berusaha jadi spt yang diinginkan ma anak-anak barunya..

tapi jujur, sakit itu masih ada sampe sekarang & mungkin ga bisa diobatin..

tapi ada sedikit kebahagiaan bwt aku..

c idai sekarang udah di rumah *walaupun dia juga ga begitu dperhatiin ma ummi, ga seperti ummi merhatiin anak kandungnya , tasha yg masih 3,5 th..*..

& adanya idai, tasha tu .. walaupun mereka ade-ade yg nakal..
tapi mereka selalu bikin aku ketawa, geleng-geleng, nangis juga pernah*gara-gara nakalnya mereka udah kebangetan*, ngangenin..

tapi di jogja, aku juga sekarang udah satu kos ma teteh, satu kamar malah, mah..

aku ga ngerti knp teteh selalu ga sependapat sama annis.
emang udah dari kecil kayanya,
mamah pasti masih inget kan, dulu waktu annis masih tk, teteh udah sd/ smp *lupa*, annis cuma ber2 di rumah ma teteh, pasti setiap harinya annis nangis dimarahin teteh, berantem ma teteh..

sampe-sampe annis di gendong ma mamahnya rer8tetangga sebelah.

selalu kaya gitu.

malah sampe sekarang. apalagi 1 kamar.

sebenernya apa c penyebabnya? kenapa annis yang selalu dipersalahkan??

ya Allah, ksih aku jalan , kasih aku titik terang yang menenangkan hati ini.

mah, kangennn..

missing her

..
seasons are changing uncertain..
days grow shorter n nights grow longer..
it seems like deserted..
mamma,
did u ever remember all of ur attentions for me.?
did u ever look my smile when u're inside me.?
did u ever remember how many times we got laugh together.?
did u ever remember how many times u blew me up when i got a bad mark.?
did u ever know how much i love u.?
did u ever know, it feels so hurt when i got u lose away..?
did u ever know how difficult i'm in receiving those...
did u ever know,,
it feels just so hurt when slowly u passed away, then my bro couldn't get on together, then my dad took d'other for his life, then my grandma couldn't guard me up again, 'n i felt so lone at home..
but how could it feels painful even when there's my sist inside me now.?
how could this tears easily rundown my face when i feel so burdened.?
did u ever know, i always guilty on her thought.?
did u know that i struggle here to be de' best so there's only a smile on ur face.?
..
mamma,
i just want u to know about this..
just a simple note from ur daughter, who has be mature , not a child, not yet a woman...
here it is..

i love u forever, i really want to huge u up inside when i feel bad.. even though it happens only in a dream..
i miss ur smile, ur laugh, ur cry, ur angry, ur attention, ur advice.. hope they comes again even though it comes only in a whistle..
there's no one who can do whatever u had done..
there's no one who can be whatever u had become..
i always pray for u everytime..purely cause of ur buffetings which i don't know to requite it..

miss u so ..

-my note for him-

..

there's something i can't forget till d' end of time..

it's something precious i thought even if they've a different think 'bout it..

whatever they wanna say 'bout it..

it seems like a happiness of life..

no strange at all..

purely he do it all sincerely..

love me, take me care, give kindness to me, show his respect,n good one.

everything he does makes me sympathy..

everything he shows makes me happy..

everything he struggles makes me proud..

..just believe it all..

his smile brings light into my days..

his attention gives me calm..

his coming makes me happy..

his words make me strong..

i never thought i could love him before..

cause of him.. everything around i could learn 'bout it..

but it happened only in a short time ..

even if he's there waiting me for along time.., i think that i can't be with him..


this time we get it lose in distance..

'n being something different i missed it all..

sorry . if i had often hurt him even when i didn't mean it..

sorry . if i had often disrespect of him..

sorry . if i had rarely hear him..

i'm so sorry at all.

here is just a simple words..

just a special thank i wanna say for him..

***,thank you so much, for loving me

de' meaning of ***

bukan karena cinta, aku cinta..

bukan karena kasih, aku sayang..

maka ada hati yang menumbuhkan rasa adalah makna..

bukan karena benci, ada marah..

bukan karena sedih, ada tangis..

maka ada hati tersakiti hingga buat ini itu terlampaui..

hanya maaf dari hati yang permainkan segala ada hingga gundahpun menyapa..

hanya ada rela yang tertinggal..

hanya ada suka duka yang membekas..

lantas tiada sangka ku ada..

tiada apa ku punya...

tiada daya ku dapat..

selain karenaNya..

a note to GOD

aku..
berasa buruk di hadapMu
berlumur luput hanya aku
seakan tak kuasa tuk menepi
padahal ku pun enggan tuk terjerat
hh..
lagi-lagi berasa hina di hadapMu
hanya mampu bertengger namun tak kunjung melangkah
tanya kenapa beribu alasan buatku rancu?
padahal jelas buatku muna
Allah,,
tanda maaf ini tulus ku ungkap,
atas aku,
yang berasa lemah tanpaMu..
...

t.h.i.s . i.s m.e.

sometimes i think that i'm not really good sometimes i think there's nothing i could do sometimes i feel that i'm d'only one who get so many problems id de'world sometimes i feel that i'm unkind sometimes i feel that i'm not important, i'm useless but, why could it happen.? n how about myself.? is it like that.? then all of this make me really wanna know about everything in de'world n i'm gonna try hard to prepare everything that will be changed so that i could be better till i get my best that's why i have to realize about this, cause till d'end of time, i'm just me =)